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I really miss being active here sometimes.
Anyway, I've been suffering from depression and occasional suicidal thoughts since late 2015 or early 2016, around when I was last in the clan. The reasons for it then were somewhat different from now.
Most if not all of you don't know this, but I have Asperger's Syndrome. AS is on the mild or high-functioning side of the Autism Spectrum, which means I don't have the same issues as those that are lower-functioning but what I do suffer from makes me feel so insecure and lost.
The main issue I face is social awkwardness. I seldom speak to others in real life other than my parents because many times when I'm in a social situation, I feel I am unprepared for it and I struggle to find the right words, stumble on my words, and sometimes pronounce words abnormally. As a result, I have no friends in real life and am constantly in my own head because the only person I am always able to have a successful conversation with is myself.
One person bullied me for it in 8th grade and that's where the depression and suicidal thoughts started. He didn't bully me after 8th grade but I still have not fully recovered, even though it's been almost 3 years. Nowadays I still feel like I am worthless and insignificant and (much less than before but still) that I'd be better off dead than the most uninteresting person in the world. It's made me demotivated and lately I've been getting little to nothing done of importance. For example I could have gotten my learner's permit a year and nearly a half ago and I still don't have it, I oversleep, my grades are suffering, stuff like that.
My plan up to this point was to pursue classical music performance but doing so requires way more practice than I've been willing to put in lately, leaving me questioning whether I should suck it up and put in the hours of work or just pursue another field I don't have to put in quite as much time for. I love playing music but it I've been having serious trouble finding motivation to put in the ideal amount of work, further adding to my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.
Not all about AS is bad. My talent for music and my ability to construct writing as well as I do can be linked to it. Many "aspies" such as myself are frequently called smart and I must agree with this adjective. It also allows me to really know myself through my thoughts since I have less of others telling me who and what I am.
None of this stops me from feeling depressed often or suicidal every so often. The mess that my life is right now outweighs any good my condition has to offer. It would be nice if some of you guys could help me out a bit with getting my life together.
Thank you for reading.


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  • Deleted by amaya


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Don't ever dwell on past events, persue your passions and let nothing stand in your way. Take everything at face value, and overcome all challenges. If you are truly concerned about suicidal thoughts and depression, see a local councillor, they are very good at helping you when you need it most.